Blathr Wayne Lorentz

What is Blathr?
Showing blathrs with the tag “food.”

With special guest star Al Dente

Monday, January 22nd, 2024 Alive 19,263 days

Show me a Greek-Italian chanteuse with Brooklyn backup singers, and I'll show you Feta Chini and the Alfredos.

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The expletive-riddled mind of a first-grader

Saturday, December 23rd, 2023 Alive 19,233 days

I went to public school in my early childhood. And you know what sucked? Public school.

You know why public school sucked? Cookies and orange juice.

What kind of sick bait-and-switch bullshit is that to pull on a six-year-old?

Oh, boy, itʼs snack time! Here comes the nice lady with the tray of cookies!

Om nom nom nom. Boy are these dry. I sure hope thereʼs an appropriately-paired beverage to go with them. Oh good, here comes the drink lady!

Iʼm only in first grade, so I canʼt see whatʼs on the red plastic cafeteria tray sheʼs holding…

Sheʼs handing me a paperboard box…

This is going to be so good…


Fucking orange juice!

Are they serious‽

Attention primary school teachers! Itʼs “cookies and milk,” not “cookies and throat-scratching sauce!” Everyone knows this. Ernie and Bert know this. Romper Room knows this. The Magic Garden knows this. Shit, even that spinning vortex of terrifying LSD fever dreams The Electric Company knows this.

It wasnʼt until I transferred to private school that snack time became a civilized coupling of cookies and milk. Crunchy cookies with delightful morsels of sweet delight, washed down with cold, smooth, soothing cow squeezinʼs.

Say what you want about Sister Maria and her Yardstick of Doom, at least nuns know enough to serve milk with their cookies.

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Mostly salt anyway

Wednesday, December 6th, 2023 Alive 19,216 days

Cheesy snacks

One of these cheese snacks is “It.” But the other one is “Better.”

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Aligned interests

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2023 Alive 19,202 days

A breakfast

Astrologers say that when the sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars align, itʼs a sign of good things ahead.

I say the same is true when water, coffee, bagel, and tangy sauce align.

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Thatʼs nuts

Monday, November 13th, 2023 Alive 19,193 days

Two dissimilar packages of the same amount of pistachios

On the left: 16 ounces of Wonderful® pistachios, purchased at Whole Foods for $10.79.

On the right: 16 ounces of Wonderful® pistachios, purchased at H.E.B. for $8.49.

Same amount of nuts. The only differences are the price and the size of the bag.

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Youʼre a long way from Wall Street

Thursday, August 31st, 2023 Alive 19,119 days

I shall work here today. But first, lunch.

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I say, “Doctor!”

Sunday, August 27th, 2023 Alive 19,115 days

Iʼm starting to think that my doctor is completely untrained in what to do when someone puts the lime in the coconut and drinks it all up.

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You grow fries, they grow you!

Saturday, August 26th, 2023 Alive 19,114 days

The seed display at Home Depot

Today at Home Depot, I was surprised to find that you can buy french fry seeds.

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Iʼll take two bomb pops and one of those things with the strawberry crunchies on the outside

Saturday, August 12th, 2023 Alive 19,100 days

A precariously parked purveyor of popcicles

I am very glad to see an ice cream truck prowling downtown Houston.

I will be very sad when a Metro train turns him into soft serve for parking on the train tracks.

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Does your landlord know about this?

Thursday, June 1st, 2023 Alive 19,028 days

A napping bee

This morningʼs promenade in the garden revealed a sleeping bee and a baby pepper.

A perfectly puny pepper
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Bean and cheese

Thursday, March 30th, 2023 Alive 18,965 days

What did one burrito say to the other burrito?

“Aaaaahh! Oh, holy shit! A talking burrito! Aaaaahh!”

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Is it made with real Astros?

Friday, March 24th, 2023 Alive 18,959 days

HEB “Astros Peanut Brittle” ice cream

If a supermarket comes out with a new flavor of ice cream named after the sportsball club that plays a few blocks away, Iʼm required to eat it, right?

It turns out this is a quality product. Very pronounced flavor. And in what may be a first for store-brand anything, I think it might actually have too much going on inside.

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Friday, March 24th, 2023 Alive 18,959 days

A screenshot of Little Snitch

One of Appleʼs edge servers is called “Croissant.”

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Theyʼre drunk

Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023 Alive 18,957 days

A mispriced sammitch

It turns out my eight-dollar fish sandwich is actually a $63.11 deluxe fruit tray.

Thatʼs what I get for buying lunch at a liquor store.

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Fool me once…

Monday, March 13th, 2023 Alive 18,948 days

Not hot mustards

McDonaldʼs worker: “What kind of sauce?”

Me: “Honey mustard.”

McDonaldʼs worker: Hands me spicy buffalo.

Me: “No, honey mustard.”

McDonaldʼs worker: Hands me hot picante.

Me: Walks away with my nuggets.

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Thursday, March 9th, 2023 Alive 18,944 days

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Wait till you see what they did with your address

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023 Alive 18,929 days

I told Pizza Hut I do not want text message updates about my pie.

Forty-four minutes later…

Thanks for completely ignoring my choice, Pizza Hut!

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Extra pickles

Friday, October 28th, 2022 Alive 18,812 days

A holy, sacred McRib sammitch

I only rarely go to McDonaldʼs; maybe three or four times a year. So I was surprised and delighted to find itʼs McRib season!

The McRib is the finest fast food sandwich there is. Better than a double Fisch Mac. Better than Starbuckʼs Thanksgiving panini. Yes, better than Chick-fil-a.

Itʼs never McRib season in Las Vegas, so for the seven years I lived there, I had to make my own — Driving three hours across the Mojave Desert to the nearest McDonaldʼs that had them, in Barstow, California. I never did find out why the McDonaldʼs franchises in Vegas donʼt carry McRibs.

Here, in Houston, McRib does exist, so I grabbed a loaf of that sweet, smokey, salty, crunchy, sesame seeded goodness.

Pro tip: Serve the sandwich on top of a pile of fries so that the sauce drips onto the fries, and you donʼt waste any of it on the plate.

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What about the art?

Tuesday, May 24th, 2022 Alive 18,655 days

A fried chicken sandwich at NOMA

Museum cafes are almost universally overpriced. I figure that Iʼm paying a premium for the convenience of giving my feet a break, having a snack, and then resuming my mental stimulation with minimal delay.

A lot of museums think their food has to look like art, cater to waifs, and embrace the ”less is more” cliché.

But the New Orleans Museum of Art is different. Portions are large, prices are reasonable, and its fried chicken sandwich is quite good.

Also, thereʼs paintings and stuff in the other rooms of the building.

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Camping provisions

Monday, May 23rd, 2022 Alive 18,654 days

The charcuterie board at the Carousel Bar

It doesn't have to be good, but it is.

The bar at the Hotel Monteleone puts out quite a nice meat-and-cheese tray. “Charcuterie” if youʼre trying to be fancy-schmancy.

There are a dozen reasons to waste four to six hours in the Monteleone bar: Watching the people on the carousel; watching the tourists perambulate outside; absorbing the art, music, and food New Orleans proffered throughout the morning. But the smörgås-on-a-board encourages you to linger, to sip your drinks slowly, and to chew as often as youʼre supposed to.

I wonʼt pretend to know or like every item on offer, but thereʼs enough variety for both me and my wife to find things we like, and we have very different tastes.

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Burning calories

Sunday, November 21st, 2021 Alive 18,471 days

The non-burned cookies

I made cookies today. Truthfully, I made about 40 cookies today, but these are the six that donʼt look awful.

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Saturday, February 20th, 2021 Alive 18,197 days

Why is there a door knob on the inside of my pantry door? Do my Froot Loops and Hamburger Helper get claustrophobic during the night and go out for a walk?

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Shitʼs on fire, yo

Saturday, December 19th, 2020 Alive 18,134 days

I miss having Darcie around to dote on so I can pretend that my real life doesnʼt exist.

Sheʼs still at work, so Iʼm baking her a cake right now. Iʼll probably burn it, like I did with the last cake. And the cupcakes. And the pumpkin pies at Thanksgiving. Baking is not my thing.

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Friday, September 21st, 2018 Alive 17,314 days

A frame from WKRP in Cincinnati

I don't remember the bars in Cincinnati serving complimentary apple pies when I lived there.

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Monday, June 18th, 2018 Alive 17,219 days

Waiting for a Double-Double at In-N-Out Burger

The fact that this is the first photograph I took with my new phone should tell you everything there is to know about me.

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Saturday, June 9th, 2018 Alive 17,210 days

Dinner at The Golden Steer

If a steakhouse has an oil painting of the mayor and her mob lawyer husband on the wall over their regular booth, itʼs probably a good steakhouse.

If a steakhouse has brass plaques identifying the regular tables of people from Frank Sinatra to Mario Andretti, itʼs probably a very good steakhouse.

But do you know how you can tell if a steakhouse is an excellent steakhouse? Creamed spinach, baby!

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Monday, October 20th, 2014 Alive 15,882 days

Five nuns and a neighborhood local sitting down for pizza.

Five nuns walk into a pizza shop…

Nope, itʼs not a joke. Itʼs what happened when I was waiting for my wife at Beggarʼs Pizza.

Itʼs good luck when thereʼs a priest on your plane or train. With five nuns in attendance, this is going to be the luckiest meal of my life.

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