BlathrWayne Lorentz

Sometimes I feel bad for the people who have to work with me.

So this is why NV Energy shut down the power the other day. But why would a crew come at midnight to replace a transformer? There must be more than meets the eye.

Perhaps itʼs a device to spy on the Russians who live in the house on the left.

I saw this display at the eye doctorʼs office. I wonder if this is the equivalent of hanging a set of spectacles on a crucifix, or if Buddhists are OK with this presentation.

Day 9: The couch has been called home. Godspeed, Stains McComfortson.

Day 8: itʼs now a smoking couch

I should probably clean out my bathroom cabinet. Itʼs starting to attract vermin.

Henri isnʼt actually sleeping. He just wants me to stop reading the paper and cater to whatever his kitty desire of the moment is.

Day 7: A guy does a little dance in traffic, then takes off his clothes, puts them on the couch and strides toward the Stratosphere. I think heʼs already there.

This is what happens when youʼre debugging a web site and The Smiths comes on the radio.

Irony: The lady at Whole Foods pontificating about the horrors of genetically modified food, while holding a chorkie.

At least the dog knows it wonʼt get eaten.

My first thought was to blame the webdev for using unvetted user-uploaded photos when no other pictures of the property were available. Then I realized I should blame the people who run the motel for the condition it is in.

He probably just reset all of my passwords to Garfield quotes again.

“Monorail Cat has reached the terminal station. All change for Roomba service to Tunaville, Darcieʼs Snugglebus to Leaky Sink Central, and Express Sprint service to Litter Box Town.”

Day 4: 11:30am - That moment when you realize that the couch in your living room is less comfortable than a couch discarded along the side of the road

Day 4: 8am. After a good nightʼs rest the couch is ready for another day.

Day 4: 8:15am - Iʼll just leave my baby stroller over there while I sit down on this abandoned couch by the side of the road and have a smoke.

Relaxing, retro style.

While I appreciate the vacuum cleaner putting in extra effort while I’m at work, the nearest cliff is like a half a mile away.

Itʼs going to have to find its own ride home.

Hugs are gluten-free. However, they often contain nuts.

Day 3: 3pm - Nobody has shown an interest in the couch all day. So I left a book on it to see what happens. Also it appears someone ate McNuggets on it overnight.

15 minutes later…

I donʼt know if this is a tiny intervention, or if she wants one, too.

If anyoneʼs looking for a doctor online and the maps donʼt match up with the addresses… yeah, thatʼs my fault. Render faster, ya pile of crap!

Day 2: 12pm - The healing power of Jesus allows the guy in the mobility scooter to heft the couch out of his way.

Day 2: 11am. A smart guy would have turned the couch the other way so he could get both shade and a comfy nap. Unless he thinks the couch is dirtier than the sidewalk.

Day two: 8am

And then there are days when you get to work and someoneʼs parked a couch outside your window.

15 minutes later…

My well-intentioned ex-pat sister-in-law sent me real Cadbury chocolate from Ireland. +1 for thoughtfulness. But no points awarded for not realizing that a metal mailbox in 120° desert heat in the sun will turn a candy bar into a 360 gram purple bag of goo.

Annie is cute. Not smart. Just cute.

I guess the Navajo Nation is going to buy back Arizona one $350 beer at a time.

My house is finally eligible for gigabit internet. The nerd in me says going from 300/50 to 1,000/35 for an extra $18 is a no-brainer. My brain says I don't need a thousand megabits to play telnet games on my TRS-80.

Outside the supermarket: an entire articulated transit bus wrapped with 12-foot-high letters spelling out “Gonorrhea Alert!”

Inside the supermarket: An announcement on the P.A. system letting me know that I can make child support payments while I shop.

Iʼve got to move to a better neighborhood.

Itʼs not resting bitch face. Thatʼs actual bitch face. Happy birthday, Annie!

My Facebook feed this morning:

• An important service alert from a transit agency in some other city.
• An obviously fake friend request from someone who thinks a Sharpie is an eyebrow pencil.
• A promoted post from some company Iʼve never heard of pushing something I donʼt care about.
• “People You May Know” who are all people I donʼt know.
• Someone elseʼs memory of an event 5 years ago I wasnʼt at and donʼt care about.
• A post from a “neighborhood” group on the other side of town.
• A “Suggested Post” about something I donʼt care about.
• A post in a language that I donʼt speak, but thatʼs OK because I do follow the Yomiuri Giants.
• A post from the state parks people about a state park 400 miles away.
• An image caption repost of a repost of a repost of a repost from someone who thinks that lifeʼs problems can be solved by re-posting other peopleʼs refrigerator magnet thoughts.
• An ad for a coffee chain in another city with no locations within 700 miles.
• A “Breaking News” weather alert about a dust storm last week.
• A news item that a local TV station posted three months ago.
• A photograph of someone I donʼt know who is friends with someone who is friends with someone who might know this person
• A photo from an actual Facebook friend, but itʼs of his tween daughter in a leotard. Ummm…
• An ad for a coffee chain in another country.
• One of those “URGENT! URGENT!1!11!! Please help us find out dog!” re-posts from someone 2,500 miles away.
• A re-post of a image caption thatʼs been around since the 1990ʼs.

Good job, Facebook. Glad to see the $70 billion spent on “user engagement AI” is working out for you.

Wikipedia has 1,408 words about historical inaccuracies in the children's television show F-Troop.

This is what's wrong with the intarwebs.

This is what happens when real estate developers run out of names.

“Yeah, hello, Pizza Hut guy? Yeah, take a left on Spiced Butter Rum, then a right on Macadamia Nut, then a left on Frapuccino… *click* Hello?”

This is why four weeks a year it is not a good idea to take your phone to The Strip. I keep mine off at work while these hacker conferences are going on.

I feel like I should feel bad about maxing eight cores for 10 days straight. But when you gotta render maps, you gotta render maps!

Five hours to kill at the airport. I guess Iʼll be the only person to ever go into the aviation museum.

I was reading a magazine and looked at the top of the page to see what time it is.

Iʼm a slave to technology.

Have you ever wondered what itʼs like to converse with the worldʼs most annoying six-year-old? Just add me to your text message list!

And then there are days when you show up for work and the city is installing 40-foot-tall light-up neon showgirls on the sidewalk. This city is a slave to Instygram.

Does the AppleTV UAE desert screen saver look like kettle chips, or am I just hungry?

I feel like society wants me to…

Hula girl down! HULA GIRL DOWN!

He weighs like 15 pounds now. The little Barbie table inside never stood a chance.