BlathrWayne Lorentz

Woman: “It’s just bread.”

Man: “You’re just bread.”

…at least he learned how to make bread in prison.

So, I guess I should stop?

The good news is I donʼt have to look at that annoying “Change engine oil soon” alert anymore.

There are now leather reclining massage chairs in the exam rooms. Nice to see my doctor finally putting that sweet copay money to good use.

When the nearest gas station is 94 miles away, you can charge $12 for two gallons of gas.

I found an ever pricier place down the road, commanding $20 a pop.

You call the number on the sign, give the person who answers your credit card number, and they give you the combination to the gas locker.

I can't believe I didn't think of this first.

I tried this so you don’t have to.

Seriously. You don’t have to.

Three fruits (lemon, lime, and cherry) are not better than two.

The one sure way to tell a great steakhouse from a crappy steakhouse is the presence of a great creamed spinach.

If there's no creamed spinach, it might as well be Applebees.

Anyone can slap a sticker on their bumper. The truly committed go for spray paint and stencils.

This service station is just a shell of its former self.

Not all artists understand thereʼs a difference between an art car, and a barnacle-encrusted Spanish galleon.

The last burial in this cemetery was in 1911.

So the lesson we learn today is to forget fancy Italian marble. If you want your grave marker to last 107 years, have it made out of railroad ties and punched metal.

So… this is a thing.

There are so many reasons my wife puts my text messages on mute while sheʼs at work.

It doesn't matter where I move my plants in the house, they still do this crazy shit in the direction of Area 51.

Freaking UFOʼs.

Never Say Never Again is not only the worst James Bond film of all time, it may be one of the worst films of the 80ʼs. If it didnʼt have Kim Basinger and Sean Connery, you would think itʼs some kind of low budget knockoff.

Now I know why Sean Connery never made another Bond flick.

Now I know why Netflix has zero copies and the library has five.

Now I know why I never replaced this video when I ditched my Betamax machine.

Itʼs so hot that my dashboard hula girl keeled over while I was driving.

In other news, my dashboard hula girl wears bloomers.

Saw this while reading some Google documentation today:

Values equal to or greater than 1 will be ignored, and a value of 0 will completely shut your piehole.

The fact that this is the first photograph I took with my new phone should tell you everything there is to know about me.

This puffer fish looks surprised. Like one day he woke up and said, “Holy shit! How did I get on the ceiling of a tiki bar?”

I should get an award for finding the one photographic angle that hides each drunken frat boy and their lifted 4x4 behind its own cactus.

If your house plants start doing this, you might live too close to Area 51.

Thereʼs at least two ways to go with this one.

1. Itʼs a funeral home. In a strip mall.
2. Itʼs a funeral home that doesnʼt bury individuals; only families.

Did this motel just compliment me on my butt?

It looks like the Sands Motel is fresh outta Wʼs. Jam a couple of Vʼs together, and nobody will notice.

Most people donʼt realize that there are other “areas” in the Nevada National Security Site besides Area 51. This railroad engine used to haul nuclear rocket engines around Area 25 before it crashed.

In other news, “nuclear rocket engines” are a thing.

Hereʼs whatʼs on the plaque:

I found a box of blank tapes in an antiques store.

I bought them since I, too, am an antique.

The wifi is a lie. It’s only in the office, not the rooms.

Dramatic sky is dramatic.

A lovely day at the Southern Nevada Railroad.

Pumpkin spice already? Itʼs the middle of June!

If a steakhouse has an oil painting of the mayor and her mob lawyer husband on the wall over their regular booth, itʼs probably a good steakhouse.

If a steakhouse has brass plaques identifying the regular tables of people from Frank Sinatra to Mario Andretti, itʼs probably a very good steakhouse.

But do you know how you can tell if a steakhouse is an excellent steakhouse? Creamed spinach, baby!

Slap a KGFN hat on her head, and Darcie thinks sheʼs a real life Goldfielder.

Sheʼs saving her pennies for the next land auction.

Whatʼs better than unwinding with my wife in a dark tiki bar after a long week of work?

The fact that I get off of work several hours before she does, so Iʼm already de-stressed by the time she arrives.

Smartphones are great at being “smart.” Theyʼre not always very good at the whole “phone” part.

High tech “smart” locks are great. Until your phone runs out of battery while youʼre out shopping. And since youʼve relied on your phone to think for you for the last couple of years, you donʼt know what your backup unlock code is. So you have to text the cat sitter to get into your own house.

Lessons that can be learned:

1. Keys still work when your phoneʼs battery dies.
2. Keys still work when your lockʼs battery dies.
3. Keys still work when youʼre too drunk to unlock your own phone.
4. If you lose your keys, any locksmith can let you into your house for $40. Lose your phone, and youʼre on the hook for $700 at the Apple Store.
5. Always go to the bathroom before you leave the house, because you may not be able to get in right away upon your return.

Itʼs hotter in my office than it is outside.

The bar/lounge area of the Mizpah Hotel. Straight outta 1907. Only the slot machines have been updated.

People on the internet laugh because this cemetery is supposed to have a grave marker reading “Unknown man died eating library paste July 14 1908.”

The full story is that he was a hungry hobo who found a pot of paste in the trash behind the library and ate it because it tasted sweet. It tasted sweet because back then paste contained alum. Which killed him.

The words have been removed from the grave marker because boors from the internet used to flock here to take pictures of themselves with it, as if the death of a homeless guy is something to laugh at.