
Shhh! Nobody tell Darcie Iʼm cooking outdoor dinner again tonight. Sheʼll get McDonaldʼs on her way home!
Iʼm old enough to remember life before Cool Ranch Doritos.
Those were a rough 15 years.
My carʼs warranty expired September 4.
Itʼs now September 20, and the car needs $600 worth of repairs that would have been covered.
Yet another reason Iʼll never buy another Fiat.
Apple Maps has Interstate 11 on it just weeks after the freeway that Obama tried to kill opened.
Apple even has satellite photographs. Those brown perpendicular things are tunnels so that big horn sheep and desert tortoises donʼt cross the freeway. Each is monitored by cameras and computers tally the number of critters using them.
Apparently the sheep learn quickly because the newspaper says thereʼs already several dozen using it per day.
My neighbor across the street is standing in his driveway putting together a brand new, enormous red scythe! Heʼs from Russia, so he really knows how to hammer that sickle!
In other news, there is no Soviet flag emoji.
In other other news, someplace around here sells seven-foot-long scythes!
“Hi, there. Iʼm building a temple to my Earth goddess in the abandoned Burger King across the street, so Iʼm collecting samples of all the trees in the neighborhood to sacrifice in my Gender Studies class. Can I rip some branches off of your tree and put them in my blue bucket? K, thanks! Also, Iʼm high as fuck.”
For those of you in states considering legalizing sports betting, this is what you're in for.
× 100.
Not exactly His Masterʼs Voice, but close enough.
This is a way better anniversary present than what I got Darcie. Oh, well. Better luck next year, Sweetie.
If you watch the video, wait till the very end to see the cat burp.
The hardest part of new glasses is trying to convince my face that it doesnʼt need to squint anymore.