BlathrWayne Lorentz

Whenever I read my cowboy books at night, it makes me want to use my cast iron skillet in the morning.

Being dumb enough to grab the hot iron handle is probably not the only way Iʼm not a cowboy.

Shhh! Nobody tell Darcie Iʼm cooking outdoor dinner again tonight. Sheʼll get McDonaldʼs on her way home!

A couple of coworkers came back from a business trip to Biloxi and New Orleans, and brought a sea shell turtle and a plastic alligator for my desktop zen beach.

Sure, Albert Einstein was smart. But I bet he never created a new life form inside a Tupperware in the back of his fridge.

Saw this on my way home. So many things to say that I donʼt even know what to say.

Iʼm turning the miniature zen garden at work into a tiny beach. After all, whoʼs more zen than Jimmy Buffett?

Iʼm old enough to remember life before Cool Ranch Doritos.

Those were a rough 15 years.

I guess if itʼs called “Mojave,” Iʼm kinda obligated to try it out.

I love Apple News on the iPhone, but on macOS, it uses a six-pixel-tall font. And most headlines are just ten pixels tall, with no way to scale them.

Itʼs unusable by anyone past puberty.

Every time my wife puts these two items next to each other in the refrigerator, a tiny angel appears on my right shoulder, and a tiny devil on my left.

Under 95° on a weekend? You know Darcieʼs coming home to an outdoor dinner.

If the lady ahead of you in line at the Apple Store to pick up a new iPhone is watching stripper videos on Instagram, you might be in Las Vegas.

I don't remember the bars in Cincinnati serving complimentary apple pies when I lived there.

Itʼs been 28 years since I last had Little Caesarʼs pizza. It has improved greatly in that time.

I never know which shoes to wear to stand in line at the Apple Store. Iʼm glad someone has confidence in her footwear choices.

A hundred people in the stand-by line to maybe, possibly, potentially buy an iPhone if there are any left at the end of the day. Two hundred people in this line for people who pre-paid and have an appointment to pick one up. We get snacks.

Why is it that women keep attacking the tree outside my office window?

This chick hiked up her dress, adjusted her lady parts, and then went to town on the foliage.

After loading up on branches, she strolled off down the street, just like the other one did!

My carʼs warranty expired September 4.

Itʼs now September 20, and the car needs $600 worth of repairs that would have been covered.

Yet another reason Iʼll never buy another Fiat.

I have a California King bed, six pillows, and four inches of memory foam and I will never sleep as soundly as this cat on the fake wood floor.

“I just traded my shoes for this speedball. Mind if I shoot up right outside your office window? I don't think the people in the seven lanes of traffic will mind.”

Apple Maps has Interstate 11 on it just weeks after the freeway that Obama tried to kill opened.

Apple even has satellite photographs. Those brown perpendicular things are tunnels so that big horn sheep and desert tortoises donʼt cross the freeway. Each is monitored by cameras and computers tally the number of critters using them.

Apparently the sheep learn quickly because the newspaper says thereʼs already several dozen using it per day.

The catʼs frolicking in my dirty socks. I guess laundry will just have to wait until tomorrow.

My neighbor across the street is standing in his driveway putting together a brand new, enormous red scythe! Heʼs from Russia, so he really knows how to hammer that sickle!

In other news, there is no Soviet flag emoji.

In other other news, someplace around here sells seven-foot-long scythes!

What Saturday is like, if youʼre a cat.

Also Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, September, November, and years with numbers in them.

“Hi, there. Iʼm building a temple to my Earth goddess in the abandoned Burger King across the street, so Iʼm collecting samples of all the trees in the neighborhood to sacrifice in my Gender Studies class. Can I rip some branches off of your tree and put them in my blue bucket? K, thanks! Also, Iʼm high as fuck.”

“Today was an OK day.” Three minutes later…

New machine at work. 12 cores. No waiting.

Construction cones have appeared. Change is in the air.

Charlie Brownʼs kite-eating tree has developed an appetite for hats.

We're not Red Sea pedestrians, but we love matzah ball soup and a good knish!

Darcie took me to the last Carnegie Deli for our anniversary. Sammitches so big I had to back up to take the picture.

“No, Darcie. Keep eating. I'm just taking a picture of my sammitch.”

Wilfred Brimley, no!!!

Darcie is becoming a Goonie in 25¢ increments.

Tonightʼs adventure: Chocolate from Hokkaido.

I guess this was Microsoft Office version 0.

For those of you in states considering legalizing sports betting, this is what you're in for.

× 100.

Darcie always says I live life like itʼs the 1940ʼs. So I guess she wonʼt be surprised to find her anniversary present wrapped in the funnies.

I guess “bang” is one way for an electric company to get my attention.

Not exactly His Masterʼs Voice, but close enough.

This is a way better anniversary present than what I got Darcie. Oh, well. Better luck next year, Sweetie.

If you watch the video, wait till the very end to see the cat burp.

Donʼt you hate it when your anchor quits and you forget to change the Chyron?

(Monica Jackson has been gone for three days.)

The hardest part of new glasses is trying to convince my face that it doesnʼt need to squint anymore.

Thanksgiving decorations for sale on September 7. I guess the good part is that people can stop moaning about stores putting out Halloween stuff too soon.

I put my baby in this baby changing station for like five minutes, and no change. Still the same olʼ baby.

It must be out of order.

One of these cats is an inanimate object. The other is a brass statue.

The face you make when the fitted sheet swallows everything else in the dryer and turns into a giant laundry ball thatʼs toasty warm and dry on the outside and crusty wet on the inside.

At least thatʼs the face I make.