Blathr Wayne Lorentz

What is Blathr?

Blathring in January, 2019

Thursday, January 31st, 2019 Alive 17,446 days

A scorpion in the living room

Today Darcie learned that January is scorpion mating season.

Nobody tell her that tomorrow starts tarantula mating season.

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Wednesday, January 30th, 2019 Alive 17,445 days

Information about the full avocado supermoon

Mark your calendars for the Avocado Supermoon next month!

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Monday, January 21st, 2019 Alive 17,436 days

An over- and under-cooked bagel

Todayʼs breakfast is the Star Wars of bagels: It has a light side, and a dark side.

Also, I need a new toaster.

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Sunday, January 20th, 2019 Alive 17,435 days

Iʼve noticed an increase in empty shelves and lack of product choices at Target, Safeway, and Kroger stores over the last six months.

Itʼs starting to look a little Soviet out there.

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Data doesnʼt lie

Sunday, January 20th, 2019 Alive 17,435 days

Today I learned that Target doesnʼt carry silver polish.

I guess Target thinks itʼs unlikely its shoppers would own silver.

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Saturday, January 19th, 2019 Alive 17,434 days

A commanding finger

I guess I should just be glad that nobody uses the “finger” command anymore.

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Saturday, January 19th, 2019 Alive 17,434 days

An illuminated Fiat

Because Fiat electrical systems are steaming piles of blown-out Pampers, Iʼve had enough practice that I can now change a headlight on Darcieʼs car in under eight minutes.

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Friday, January 18th, 2019 Alive 17,433 days

Locked up Tide pods

If you ever wondered what Millennials will ruin next, here it is.

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Thursday, January 17th, 2019 Alive 17,432 days

Incognito children

New neighbors are moving in across the street. Last night the parents arrived. This morning a big Bekins truck arrived. This afternoon, the kids arrived. I guess every day is Halloween in that house now.

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Thursday, January 17th, 2019 Alive 17,432 days

A guy getting changed in public

So this guy rolls up on his motorcycle, pulls a suit bag out of his pannier and hangs it in a tree. Then he pulls out a big tub of Windex Wipes and gives himself a full bath — underbits and all — while standing in the parking lot. Then he unzips the suit bag, puts on a tuxedo, and walks away down the street. Ta da!

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Sunday, January 13th, 2019 Alive 17,428 days

Inside the Armargosa Hotel

What do you do if youʼre a New York ballerina who reopens an abandoned opera house in the middle of the desert all by yourself? You paint your own audience members and support dancers.

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Sunday, January 13th, 2019 Alive 17,428 days

The Desert Trucksterʼs indicator panel

Darcie was disappointed with my man skills when I had to look in the Fiat manual app to find out how to turn on the carʼs defroster.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The parking lot entrance to the Death Valley Inn

Worst. Hotel. Entrance. Ever. This is why I valet.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darcie examining her new silver

Darcie bought a new necklace to match the one she has on. Her old necklace is Navajo silver. Her new necklace is Hi-Ho silver.

Darcie hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The thermal spring pool at the Death Valley Inn

30° air. 105° pool. And thereʼs more minerals in the spring-fed pool than in the rocks they built the hotel with.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A coincidental ticket

How did the pre-printed valet ticket know that I drive a red 500? Spooky!

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The taco restaurant on the Timbisha Shoshone reservation in Death Valley
  • Good: The Timbisha Shoshone indians have opened the first business on their new reservation: a taco stand.
  • Bad: Iʼm the only one here.
  • Worse: A taco costs ten bucks.

Minutes later, the place filled up with hungry tourists. With the white manʼs government shut down, this is about the only food available in this part of Death Valley.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darcie trying to take a picture

Am I in the way of your picture?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A horseback riding brochure

I wanted to take Darcie horseback riding, but she wonʼt go because she didnʼt pack her ranch dressing.

Darcie hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The parking lot entrance to the Death Valley Inn

Joe: How do we make our scary underground hotel entrance look less like a portal to hell?

Sam: I got it! Geraniums!

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darcie holding a ceramic pot

When I heard that California legalized pot, I knew I couldnʼt stop Darcie.

She hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Framed bloomers

I once suggested we frame Darcieʼs underpants and hang them on the wall. But she didnʼt like the idea until she saw it just now. I guess Darcieʼs just a late bloomer.

She hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A nasty motel bathroom

This isnʼt the worst motel Darcie and I have stayed in. But it could be a tie.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The Amargosa Hotel

I wonʼt complain about the peeling paint because it looks like thatʼs the only thing holding up the 1923 adobe walls.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A sign reading “Poisonous snakes and insects inhabit the area.”

This is not usually the first thing you want to see when arriving at a motel. But the lace curtains take the edge off.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A teahouse on top of a mountain

Darcie: A tea house with a view? Sounds great!

Concierge: Itʼs a one mile hike uphill on gravel.

Me: Whatʼs the number for room service?

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darice on a mountain of rocks

Darcie rocks. That is all.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A bored fire plug

The fire department left 60 years ago, but the johnny pump remains.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Worst. Fire escape. Ever.

In the event of a fire, proceed quickly and calmly to the emergency exit. Then run uphill over gravel for half a mile in your pajamas.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Death Valley

Death Valley is kind of a schist hole.

Darcie hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A desert art museum

Itʼs a New York museum in the middle of the desert. Because… art!

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A ghost town cemetery

After a hard nightʼs haunting, this is where ghost town ghosts go to kick back and relax.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A Nevada Telephone payphone in California

You know your California town is small when the phone service comes from Nevada.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

The abandoned Tidewater and Tonopah ore depot in Death Valley Junction

When the Tidewater and Tonopah railroad left Death Valley Junction, it took the tracks but left the ore depot.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darcie under 25

25? She wishes.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Darcie ruining her boots

She looks so happy. Nobody tell Darcie sheʼs standing in wild horse poop.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A fragile communications link

The nearest cell phone service is seven miles away. But the motel has wifi, which also has to travel the same distance. And every time the wind blows, it goes out.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A suspiciously wet desert

It hasnʼt rained in this part of the desert in a month, yet there are puddles everywhere.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

Edifice wrecks

This motel is appealing. Itʼs also a-cracking and a-crumbling.

Darcie hates that joke.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2019 Alive 17,427 days

A weatherbeaten gallery

People pay Restoration Hardware big bucks to get this look.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

Beatty, Nevada

I like places where I feel like I should tiptoe to the car with my luggage because the town is so quiet.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

Coffee at Melʼs Diner

If I had a brazillion dollars, I wouldnʼt have a kitchen. Iʼd have a diner built into my house. And every morning Iʼd have diner coffee.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

A negative GPS reading

♫ Iʼve got friends in low places… ♫

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

A nook in the Death Valley Inn

I shall drink rum and read a Los Angeles Times here.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

Sunset over Death Valley

Evening cocktails overlooking Badwater Basin.

Elevation: -281 feet.

Weather: Overcast, with scattered fighter jets.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

The Death Valley Inn

Sam: Now that the borax mine is tapped out, nobody needs our railroad anymore. What should we do?

Joe: Letʼs build a four-diamond hotel at the end of the line to lure rich people from Los Angeles into the middle of nowhere, then start a big media campaign to convince Congress to make the land around it a national park so people wonʼt be scared to come to a place named Death Valley.

Sam: Sounds good to me!

And thatʼs pretty much what happened.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

A stalled stagcoach

The next stagecoach to Tonopah will be… delayed.

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

A steam-powered borax wagon

You think your soccer mom Escalade is the shit? Make way for my 11-wheeled, steam-powered borax wagon!

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Friday, January 11th, 2019 Alive 17,426 days

Darcie being civilized

Darcie spends a quiet evening writing postcards in the hotel library.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

A crust of borax on the ground

Thatʼs not snow covering the ground. Itʼs borax. Do not lick.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

How not to use a toilet

Itʼs a good thing the motel has this sign in the bathroom. Because I was totally going to park my car in the toilet.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

Darcie in a box

After a full day without cell phone service, a desperate Darcie resorts to scrounging around phone booths looking for Facebook access.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

A list of ammenities in Inyo County, California

This helpful gubʼmint sign lists the amenities in all of the villages in the Greater Meteopolitan Death Valley Meteoplex.

Notice that there are more places to swim than use your cell phone.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

Mastadon under glass

Joe: Hey, Sam, I found a mastodon in my backyard. What should we do with it?

Sam: Letʼs put it in a glass box and charge people a nickel to see it!

Joe: Sounds good!

And thatʼs pretty much what happened.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

Darcie stalking a dead car

Here we see the elusive Yellow Haired Picture Snapper in her native habitat. Letʼs watch as she stalks her prey.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

The gift shop at China Ranch

I sent my mom something from this place last month. She said it was the best Christmas present she ever received.

I guess I wasted six hours of my life with all that macaroni and Elmerʼs glue back in 1975.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

Historic trash

One centuryʼs garbage dump is another centuryʼs historic artifact.

Cleaning up this garbage dump is now a crime.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

Minersʼ homes

What happens when a bunch of 1920ʼs miners have to live in a place with no trees? They carve an apartment building out of a cliff!

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Thursday, January 10th, 2019 Alive 17,425 days

A pretty bad toilet

Amazingly, this isnʼt the worst toilet Darcie and I have come across in our travels.

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Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 Alive 17,424 days

I just had coffee with a guy who said, “When you get be to our age — yours and mine…”

Heʼs 70. Which means I must be a rough looking 40-something.

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Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 Alive 17,424 days

E-mail “progress”

The more e-mail I get, the less inclined I am to check my e-mail. Funny how that works.

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Tuesday, January 8th, 2019 Alive 17,423 days

Darcie drivinʼ home with one headlight

If I was a good husband, Iʼd fix Darcieʼs car like I promised to. But for now I just stand in the driveway when she comes home and sing that Wallflowers song at her.

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Tuesday, January 8th, 2019 Alive 17,423 days

A dire warning

“Random crashes without meaningful explanation” sounds like pretty much every bit of technology these days.

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Itʼs parked on the sidewalk

Sunday, January 6th, 2019 Alive 17,421 days

A peanut-shaped R.V.

You should never feel bad about the car you drive. Unless you drive this.

Then even the Wienermobile is laughing.

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Robotic leverage

Sunday, January 6th, 2019 Alive 17,421 days

A self-driving car on The Strip

Always get behind the self-driving cars. Computers know which lane is the fastest.

Self-driving cars in Nevada have special license plates that start with “AU.”

A sample autonomous license plate from the Nevada DMV web site. For some reason it shows “AD,” when it should read “AU.”
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Sunday, January 6th, 2019 Alive 17,421 days

A curled cat

Happy cat, or dead bug? You decide.

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Sunday, January 6th, 2019 Alive 17,421 days

My neighbors tempting fate

I donʼt think Iʼve ever mentioned that my neighbors are super smart. This is why.

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Saturday, January 5th, 2019 Alive 17,420 days

My telephone identifying the neighborʼs cat as a dog

I guess if I never take pictures of dogs, my phone has no reference point to work from.

Perhaps it thinks “Dog = ugly cat.”

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