BlathrWayne Lorentz

Why is it that macOS shows square feet for some calculations, and square miles for other nearly identical ones?

How is 0.0052 square miles supposed to be useful? Does anyone anywhere have a sense of how big or small that is?

I hope my neighbors like flowers, because my flowers sure like the neighbors!

Henri looking to the sky wondering what the hell is going on. Itʼs been 174 days since it last rained in our neighborhood, and the kitties have forgotten what rain is.

How bad is political correctness in Britain? A Wikipedia entry mentioning pirate broadcasters calls them “undocumented radio stations.”

Up next: Burglars are “undocumented homeowners.”

If the coffee machine falls asleep at work, what chance do I have?

Today I learned that macOS has a programmerʼs calculator built-in. And has since 1992. Doh!

How do we really know this is a “5 Cheese Pizza?” All those little shreds look alike.

Has anyone in the history of everything said, “Wow! I can really taste the Asiago on this frozen cardboard plank!”

Weʼve been pretty lucky this summer. It looks like our luck is about to run out.

It turns out that the IT department wonʼt notice you installing your own Mapnik tile server on localhost if itʼs too busy freaking out about your terminal emulator that transforms an HDMI connection into a bad 3270 display, complete with burn-in, flickering, and horizontal hold issues.

Iʼm going to make Chex Mix for Darcie; who is also a Czech mix.

This morning my egg formed itself into a perfect circle. And I donʼt even own a ring mold.

Itʼs also Red Flag week on the other side of town. Coincidence?

We have achieved XMODEM on the TRS-80. Weekend project complete.

Today I left the house because the cat was being an asshole.

It may be time to re-evaluate how I rank around here.

Sunlight. Moonlight. Whatever warms your belly.

It appears the National Weather Service has added the slogan “Pull aside, stay alive” for sandstorms to its lexicon. It joins “Turn around, donʼt drown” for flash floods.

Itʼs been a long time since I transferred a file at 300 baud. I think thatʼs how I got fat as a kid. Nothing to do for 12 minutes but see whatʼs in the fridge.

The best thing about internet video is that it finally stopped Canadians from pronouncing “DOS” the way Spanish people pronounce “two.”

So this is what our society has come to. Iʼm hoarding Five Guy straws in anticipation of straws being outlawed everywhere like prohibition hooch, or pre-Obama French fry grease.

Today I learned that if you take a sharp turn very quickly, my car thinks itʼs upside down and the hazard lights go mad. So thatʼs a thing.

A week ago my mutant cacti stopped their weird growth spurt aimed at Area 51. I thought it was over. Then yesterday, they all turned around and started pointing down the road toward Fort Irwin, where the Army has a dozen “villages” identical to various Middle Eastern locations and populated with actual Middle Easterners in order to train the Special Forces.

Itʼs like a Spielberg movie on my mantle.

In April of 1982, I waited an agonizing three weeks for the UPS guy to deliver a 1541 drive that could hold 170K of data.

Tonight, Amazon brought me a drive that holds 25,000 times more data… in 90 minutes… at midnight.

So maybe not everything is more terrible today than it used to be.

Worst diocesan coat of arms in America: The giant dancing beaver repping the Diocese of Albany.

Best diocesan coat of arms in America: The eagle holding a spear from the Diocese of Samoa-Pago Pago.

In 1982 I waited three weeks for the UPS guy to deliver a Commodore 1541 disk drive that held 170K of data.

Tonight, Amazon Prime delivered a Western Digital drive that holds 25,000 times more data in just 90 minutes. At midnight.

This is what happens when you let Jerry Lewis eat breakfast in your diner too often.

Searching for a new butcher this morning, I was reminded once again that you can get anything in Vegas. Anything.

So if anyone needs any coyote chops, bobcat stew meat, peacock thighs, lion fish filets, or otter steaks, I know a place.

Also, guinea pig nards (apparently suitable for slow cookers) are $19.99 a set. A SET!

Worst tech job of the 1980’s: Typesetter at Computer Shopper.

My backyard is full of flamingos and alligators. Itʼs like Florida in here.

You can tell it’s fake news because there’s no way a hundred Americans have ordered a salad at McDonald’s.

Man, I hate when zombies show up in court. Stinks up the joint.

They say that Iron Chefs can cook anything.

OK, prove it. Bring on Battle: American Cheese.

Ordinarily Iʼd say that the technical director double-punched. But who am I kidding? In this marker, the director probably punches his own shows.

I wonder how many times someoneʼs said aloud, “Hey, Siri, *buuuuuuuuuuuurp!*”

There should be a word for when youʼre taking a leak, and the cat walks between you and the toilet with his tail raised high, and you end up peeing on your own cat.

I mean other than “Eeeeew.”

Taco Bell makes me happy that Darcie insists I buy the good, fluffy toilet paper.

I donʼt think itʼs helpful to start a whole big thing about who broke what shredder.

Letʼs just say that design tolerances were exceeded, and leave it at that.

If you see yard care trucks with the phrase “We speak English” on them, you might live in Nevada.

When your internet providerʼs web site is borked…

Naturally, the bill payment section works. But only the bill payment section.

I think this is the dumbest thing Iʼve ever seen while trying to pay a bill online.

I ordered Planters cocktail peanuts from Amazon Fresh. It arrived in bubble wrap, instead of packing peanuts.

Seems like an opportunity missed.

I can go two ways with this:

1. The chairman is apologizing because Asiana flights lack suicide?
2. The chairman of Asiana Airlines is apologizing for providing the same level of service that American airlines provide.

Once you’ve tried Your Text coffee, you’ll never go back to Folger’s crystals.

I ate so many Doritos when I was a teen-ager that I may die, but Iʼll never decompose.

Telling the barista that your name is “Vegas Strong” so they have to yell “Vegas Strong!” across the coffee shop when your drink is ready was cool for the first couple of weeks after the massacre. But now that everyone does it, nobody knows whoʼs drink is whose.

Itʼs been six years since Apple discontinued .mac. I guess I can get rid of the WebDAV bookmark now.

We all wanted to grow up to be Dr. Johnny Fever or Venus Flytrap.

We ended up being Les Nessman and Herb Tarlek.

There are only two occasions in life when you get to use the word "bevy." Quails and bathing beauties.

Guess which one ran in front of my car today.

Since I live in Las Vegas, the answer may not be as easy as it seems.

Darcie's three favorite entertainers are:

• Dean Martin
• Steve Martin
• Chris Martin

I see a pattern.

This weekend I replaced the backyard hose bib, fixed Darcieʼs leaky toilet, replaced a tail light on my car, replaced a segment of the underground irrigation system, put out the flags, and fixed the hummingbird feeder. Itʼs like Iʼm Harry Homeowner or something.