BlathrWayne Lorentz

After a long night of walking the streets trying to convince drunk conventioneers that youʼre a woman, it feels good to stretch your kinky boots.

And using a utility pedestal is a handy way to stretch your hamstrings.

If the library is holding “Mob Month,” you might live in Las Vegas. Or New York. Or Chicago. Or Pittsburgh. Oh, never mind.

Itʼs Christmas at Our Lady of the Missing Hands Succulent Garden and Decorative Electrical Hazard.

Henri canʼt decide if Iʼm decorating for Christmas, or filming a Police music video.

Remember when we could balance our finances without a computer?

You know — before technology made everything "easier?"

This is what happens when you try to view the privacy policy and terms of service on the Smashing Pumpkins web store.

Half way there!

A new Thanksgiving visitor. We usually only get the green ones.

I havenʼt had Thanksgiving with relatives in 24 years. But I still have a family member who gorges himself on turkey and passes out in front of the TV.

Yaʼatʼéeh Késhmish Yazhiʼ!

Thatʼs Navajo for “Happy Thanksgiving.”

The Navajo have a phrase for Happy Thanksgiving because, as I learned on the rez, real indians do celebrate Thanksgiving, complete with paper turkey decorations, because they know itʼs a celebration of community and giving thanks for the things we have, and actually has nothing to do with Pilgrim oppression, and all that is a fairy tale from white east coast college professors who need to see conflict in everything order to keep the grant money coming.

If the Navajo can celebrate Thanksgiving, so can you.

Watching the dog show on TV was really inspirational. I think my animals may have a chance.

Annie, for example, is a shoo-in for “Best in Slow.”

Watching the dog show on NBC, there's a dog named Jean-Luc Picard.

The good news is it isnʼt just banks that constantly have borked web sites.

The bad news is that the Nevada Secretary of State is farkled now.

I hope everyone didnʼt go home for the long weekend already.

I think this is the cat equivalent of a dog drinking all of the water from a Christmas tree stand.

Again? Why canʼt women keep their hands off of my tree?

Reason #3,141,597 why most women are glad they didnʼt marry me.

I guess Papa Johnʼs thinks Iʼm exceptionally bad at math.

If the Library of Congress — the federally-funded keeper of all the nationʼs facts and secrets — canʼt keep its web site running, what chance do I have?

More succulents are turning red and green for the season in the Mary of the Missing Hands That Broke Off In A Sandstorm Memorial Garden and Lizard Hatchery.

The plants are turning red and green here at the Silver Pyramid Cactus Ranch and Pretty Good Cat Sanctuary.

My ghetto iPad stand is surprisingly sturdy.

Does anyone know of a good way to control feline flatulence?

Asking for Mr. Fuzzynuts over there.

A lolcat must be driving.

My dry cleaner has an entire wall of holly. Hopefully the H.O.A. doesnʼt nail her for decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving.

One of the bugs in my code has escaped, and is crawling up the wall.

“Give us a moment” has been spinning in my browser for three hours.

I guess AT&Tʼs web site is connected through the ever-reliable AT&T network.

Is Synchrony Bank canʼt keep its web site from eating itself, what chance do I have?

If youʼve ever wondered how peanuts get brittled, this is it.

Behold the peanut brittlers of the Ethel M candy factory.

I wish I could decorate the cacti in my garden like this, but I just donʼt have the gloves for it.

Youʼre melting welcome.

There arenʼt a lot of women you can take to a candy factory for a date. Darcie is that woman.

Itʼs open enrollment season again, so I went to a benefits seminar at work. Thatʼs where I learned that we have a party monkey benefit.

You have to actually pay for the monkey, but one of our employee benefits is a service that delivers rental monkeys. It's part of the stress reduction package.

Darcie is going to have the best birthday ever.

I can understand Siri not knowing the word “smurgle.” But she doesnʼt know “Munchos?” Do nerds not eat junk food anymore?

If youʼre fleeing from the police, donʼt try to hide under the bush in front of my office window. Because when the cops catch up to you and you try to run, your purse will get snagged on the branches, and no amount of texting will keep you from being frogmarched down to the curb in handcuffs.

Woo hoo! Clark County is the last county in the entire nation to start counting votes.

We put the “bent” in incumbent!

Meanwhile, in Nevada… a dead brothel owner whom the newspapers say police suspect was poisoned by 1990ʼs “Hollywood Madam” Heidi Fleiss after going for a midnight drive with diminutive porn star Ron Jeremy following his 72nd birthday party with a bunch of hookers has won the 36th District.

Did I mention thatʼs heʼs also dead?

The number of political posts on social media assures me that people posting pictures on social media is an effective way of swaying opinions, and ultimately votes.

So in light of that, Iʼll just leave this here.

It looks like the neighborhood purse snatcher stepped in something. I guess he deserves it since he has two purses in his hand and three on his back.

Iʼm glad the election is over. Now we can stop seeing those terrible political ads and watch the even worse lawyer ads instead.

Christmas in the cubicle.

This is not a still frame from a video of Annie rolling over. This is just how she lays on the floor these days.

She really is the strangest thing on four paws.

Schools are closed tomorrow. For Election Day. Why?

Because Clark County needs to use the schools as polling places.

So kids who canʼt even vote get Election Day off.

For some reason I broke out Darcieʼs original 2007 iPhone. Works fine, except web browsing is a mess. So much smaller, thicker, and heavier than a current phone, but it just feels good to hold. Nice and solid. And it has places to grip it that arenʼt the screen.

Iʼm not a big fan of all-glass phones.

One of the neighbor kids is learning to play the trumpet. Heʼs terrible, and everyone knows it because he likes to practice outside. It freaks out the cats.

The good news is that heʼs now getting lessons.

The bad news is that now it sounds like there are two people are trying to murder Chuck Mangione in my backyard.