BlathrWayne Lorentz

This reminds me of the old song from The Electric Company (or maybe it was Sesame Street?):

One of these kids is not like the others
One of these kids is not the same
One of these kids does not belong
Do you know his name?

I should probably do something about this.

I left the house today. Just a short trip down the road to Walgreens for medicine and M&Ms. Itʼs the first time Iʼve driven my car since Saint Patrickʼs Day.

It started OK, but it wouldnʼt go. When I tried to move it, it just sat there and the dashboard showed “Transmission error. Place car in N, turn off car. Turn on car. Place car in R or D1.”

Iʼve had a lot of odd problems with this carʼs transmission over the years. Once while driving off-road across the desert in deep sand the screen showed a red message with some gears icon and the message “Transmission overheat.”

A couple of years ago, I had to replace the transmission computer entirely for $400, plus labor. Iʼve also had to replace every single light bulb on the car at least twice.

The engine and transmission were made in Italy. The rest in Serbia. I guess thatʼs why they say FIAT stands for “Fix It Again, Tony.”

Because Fiat electrical systems are steaming piles of blown-out Pampers, Iʼve had enough practice that I can now change a headlight on Darcieʼs car in under eight minutes.

Darcie was disappointed with my man skills when I had to look in the Fiat manual app to find out how to turn on the carʼs defroster.

How did the pre-printed valet ticket know that I drive a red 500? Spooky!

If I was a good husband, Iʼd fix Darcieʼs car like I promised to. But for now I just stand in the driveway when she comes home and sing that Wallflowers song at her.

My carʼs warranty expired September 4.

Itʼs now September 20, and the car needs $600 worth of repairs that would have been covered.

Yet another reason Iʼll never buy another Fiat.