Blathr Wayne Lorentz

I know Southwest is trying to be folksy and humorous by having the status sign at the airport gate tell me I have plenty of time to read magazines. But I canʼt help but think, “No kidding. My flight has already been delayed six times tonight.”

And by “peace and quiet” Southwest Airlines means “listening to the simultaneous FaceTime calls of half-a-dozen people who think pajamas and flip-flips are appropriate attire for a flight across the country.”

Southwest Airlines encourages people to download its app for a “contactless day of travel.” You know what else is contactless? The way it was done up to now.

There's nothing about using an app that is more contactless than using a home-printed ticket, or even the old-style paper tickets. Both are read by a contactless scanner. It's not like the gate agent is going to lick your face because youʼre not using an app.

There are more disadvantages to using an app for your boarding pass than using a piece of paper:

• Ask any janitor — people drop their phones in toilets all the time.
• Restrooms, bars, restaurants, payment kiosks — there are a thousand ways to lose your phone in an airport.
• Phones run out of battery.
• Phone apps crash.
• Phone apps malfunction.
• Internet connectivity is required, but not guaranteed.
• Internet connectivity in airports is notoriously slow and unreliable.
• People run out of data on their mobile plans while waiting for their planes.
• Screens time out and turn off just when someone gets to the gate agent. It happens constantly.

My observation waiting in line behind people using app-based boarding passes is that the paper passes scan more quickly, and more reliably than the phone-based equivalents.

The only reason to use an app-based boarding pass is if you enjoy forking over even more of your personal information to an airline so that it can sell that information to other people.

I am a paying passenger. I am not your recurring revenue stream.

My flight from Chicago to Houston cost $68. At check-in, Southwest Airlines helpfully offered me an upgrade to priority boarding for just $298. What a bargain!

Yes, I know why this is, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.