BlathrWayne Lorentz

Showing blathrs with the tag “Siri.”

Can't get there from here

Friday, July 29th, 2022 Alive 18,721 days

Me: “Hey, Siri, stop the music.”

Siri: “Sorry, Wayne. I'm unable to stop.”

Really? It's only R.E.M. It's not like you can dance to it.

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Speak directly into the horn

Saturday, July 23rd, 2022 Alive 18,715 days

Me (to the HomePod three feet in front of me): “Hey, Siri, is it going to rain today?”

A different HomePod (three rooms away): “-mumble- -mumble- -mumble- -something- -mumble-

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They should call it ToiletTime

Sunday, July 17th, 2022 Alive 18,709 days

Screen time screenshot

Today, Siri informed me that I use my phone an average of 19 hours and 22 minutes per day. Either Siri is wrong, or I really need to eat more fiber.

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So expected

Thursday, January 6th, 2022 Alive 18,517 days

Things that sometimes donʼt work, or donʼt work as expected:

  • Apple Music
  • Spotify
  • SiriusXM
  • Amazon Music
  • Pandora

Thing that always works exactly as expected: My wifeʼs vinyl record player.

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Youʼre not my mom

Friday, October 29th, 2021 Alive 18,448 days

An iPhone telling me that Iʼm unsteady

I think this is Siriʼs passive-aggressive way of telling me Iʼm drunk.

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Priorities

Wednesday, April 28th, 2021 Alive 18,264 days

Siri still shits herself if you ask to change the volume and you have more than one HomePod.

But thank God the latest iOS update has 30 new bearded lady emojis. Carnival sideshows everywhere are weeping with joy.

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He is from Delaware

Saturday, April 24th, 2021 Alive 18,260 days

Me: “Hey, #Siri, put Hamburger Helper on my groceries list.”

Siri: “Who is speaking?”

Me: “Joe Biden.”

Siri: “OK, Iʼve added it to your groceries list.”

I sure hope the president likes Hamburger Helper.

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Sunday, April 18th, 2021 Alive 18,254 days

The 2GB/Sydney logo

More proof that Apple is trapped in the Silicon Valley bubble:

Me: “Hey, Siri, play 2GB [two-gee-bee] radio.”

Siri: “Now playing two gigabytes eight hundred seventy three...”

Itʼs only the biggest radio station in the largest city on the continent of Australia.

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Saturday, February 6th, 2021 Alive 18,183 days

Me: “Hey, Siri, turn on the foyer lamp.”

Siri: “Playing all songs.”

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I know you are, but what am I?

Friday, October 2nd, 2020 Alive 18,056 days

Me: “Hey, Siri put ‘Cut lawn’ on my ‘Outside’ list.”

Siri: “You donʼt have an ‘Outside’ list. Do you want me to create one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Siri: “You donʼt have an ‘Outside’ list. Do you want me to create one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Siri: “You donʼt have an ‘Outside’ list. Do you want me to create one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Iʼm tired of tech bullshit that never works. Iʼm going back to lists on paper. It Just Works™

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Teeth-grating

Friday, October 2nd, 2020 Alive 18,056 days

Me: “Hey, Siri, put ‘toothpaste’ on my ‘Shopping’ list.”

Siri: “Youʼll have to unlock your iPhone first.”

If I was near my iPhone, Iʼd just put toothpaste on the list myself.

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Itʼs never too soon anymore

Saturday, August 29th, 2020 Alive 18,022 days

A die-cut skeleton on the balcony door

We decorated for Halloween already this year. Itʼs early, even for us.

Sirius has been playing the occasional Christmas song on the 40ʼs and Sinatra channels, so I think a lot of people would just like to get into a happy place in their minds these days.

So, up went the die cuts, the blow molds, the melty popcorn plastic crinkle characters, and the ceramic jack-o-lanterns. You can see it all very clearly from the other buildings in the apartment complex. I donʼt have the energy to care what the neighbors think.

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Friday, December 21st, 2018 Alive 17,405 days

A malfunctioning SiriusXM radio

Iʼm not sure whatʼs happening here. But I am sure itʼs not supposed to happen.

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2018 Alive 17,241 days

I wonder how many times someoneʼs said aloud, “Hey, Siri, *buuuuuuuuuuuurp!*

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