Blathr Wayne Lorentz

Hereʼs my latest million-dollar idea.

Combine the power of audio deepfakes with the radio distribution capabilities of the internet to allow radio listeners to pick their own disc jockeys.

It came to me when I was pondering Appleʼs new assistive technology to allow people to respond to messages by typing the response, but delivering it in their own voice. Apple calls it “Personal Voice,” and itʼs coming to iPhones better than the one I have.

By combining Appleʼs Personal voice with the voice-tracking software already in use by radio stations, listeners could get not only the music they want, but also the presenters they prefer.

So instead of having to suffer through the affectations and vocal fry of the latest too-cool-for-school D.J. on Sirius XMU, with the push of a button, you could have Sluggo from First Wave telling you about Björkʼs new tour. Or, instead of the inaudible never-thee-care mumbling of a KCNV/Las Vegas classical announcer, you could have the clarity and diction of David Attenborough explaining the historical significance of Tchaikovskyʼs Dances of the Hay Maidens.

Iʼll leave it up to the radio companies and the announcers unions to decide how semi-synthetic D.J.ʼs get compensated.

Hereʼs my million-dollar idea:

Open a Hallmark store on a cruise ship.

• Birthday cards: $30
• Anniversary cards: $50
• “Honey, she meant nothing to me” cards: $100

Hereʼs my million dollar idea.

Iʼll open an antiques store in the Cotswolds called ”Everything is five pounds.”

Which means that everything either costs £5.00, or weighs five pounds.

So if I have a knackered silver-plate vesta case, that would cost £5.00.

But if after a rummage in a skip, if I found one that I was really chuffed about, I would put it in a box with a brick, and charge £85.00 because the package as a whole weighs five pounds.

My slogan would be “I have no idea what I have.”

Today I saw Darcie using the wet Swiffer mop thing to clean the kitchen counters.

She's either mad, or a genius, or a mad genius.