BlathrWayne Lorentz

This is one of those jobs I could never do.

These guys are only about ten stories off the ground, but in Chicago, I used to see guys 40, 50, even 60 floors up with nothing to support them but a couple of ropes and a plank of wood.

I hope theyʼre well-paid.

In Hong Kong, Iʼve seen children doing this 20 stories up with just a single rope, balancing against the glass with their bare feet.

I doubt theyʼre well-paid.

At 6am, after a hard nightʼs rain, even Bourbon Street doesnʼt look half bad.

My wife has a thing about restaurant ceilings. She tries not to look at them, because they might ruin her meal.

After learning this, I've developed a habit of always looking at restaurant ceilings, and her fears are not unreasonable — some of them are disgusting. Smoke-soaked corbels, brown-stained drop ceilings, mysterious holes that could be entries for any number of creepy-crawlies.

I think the ceiling above the bar at The Court of Two Sisters is among the worst. It's like the backdrop for some kind of over-the-top Disney pirate ride, but in real life, with real cobwebs, and real who-knows-what. It was very easy to imagine a spider dropping down and adding just a bit of crunch to someone's cocktail. Ick.

The restaurantʼs web site claims eating there is a “one-of-a-kind experience.” Well, it was certainly memorable.

In most cities, they have people pushing brooms to clean the streets. But this is Houston, so “Letʼs see if thereʼs a way we can do this sitting down while burning dead dinosaurs.”

If you put that thing in reverse, does it spew out everything its Hoovered up?

Amazingly, the menʼs room at Death Valley Nut and Candy isnʼt the worst public restroom Iʼve ever used.

Today Annie sat in the bathroom doorway and watched as I cleaned my toilet. So naturally, I felt obligated to clean the cat box next.

I think just got guilt-tripped by a cat.

“I wish Iʼd spent more time scrubbing grout,” said no one on their deathbed ever.

After seeing how the staff at The Palm wear their masks, Iʼll never eat there again.

Thereʼs a reason that mask-wearing by staff is the law.

If you get flyers stuck to your front door advertising a service to clean the dog pee off of the rocks and AstroTurf in your yard, you may live in the desert.

The Keurig machine reads “Hand wash only.”

If I wanted to do things by hand, I wouldnʼt have bought a Keurig.

So this guy rolls up on his motorcycle, pulls a suit bag out of his pannier and hangs it in a tree. Then he pulls out a big tub of Windex Wipes and gives himself a full bath — underbits and all — while standing in the parking lot. Then he unzips the suit bag, puts on a tuxedo, and walks away down the street. Ta da!

Amazingly, this isnʼt the worst toilet Darcie and I have come across in our travels.

I know some tourists like to bring their own pillows to Las Vegas hotels of unknown quality, but unless your lodging cost less than $30, you probably donʼt need to bring your own Swiffer.

Cleaning the litter box is a lot more festive this time of year, what with all the butt nuggets threaded together with tinsel missing from the tree like the worst Christmas train ever.

I should probably clean out my bathroom cabinet. Itʼs starting to attract vermin.

My first thought was to blame the webdev for using unvetted user-uploaded photos when no other pictures of the property were available. Then I realized I should blame the people who run the motel for the condition it is in.