Blathr Wayne Lorentz

What is Blathr?
Showing blathrs with the tag “Advertising.”

You have nothng to worry about

Sunday, April 16th, 2023 Alive 18,982 days

I donʼt think I could ever date a movie starlet. Movie stars are people who make their living pretending to be things they are not. How could you ever really trust someone who is a professional liar?

Not that I was ever in danger of being wooed by an actress. Still, lying seems endemic to the entire social, moral, and monetary economy of Hollywood. Take, for instance, this movie poster for the 1941 version of The Maltese Falcon.

The Maltese Falcon movie poster

It features a pair of disembodied Bogart hands, each paw with a pistol, furiously filling imaginary bad guys with lead. The testosterone-tantalizing tag line reads, “A story as explosive as his blazing automatics!”

Except, that at no time in the movie does Bogart shoot any bad guys. The closest he gets to violence is backhanding a dandy half his size. His character even makes a point of it in the movie:

Cop: What kind of a gun do you carry?

Bogart: None. I donʼt like ʼem. Of course, there are some at the office.

Cop: You donʼt happen to have one here?

Bogart: Shakes head “no”

So why did the movie studio so conspicuously add non-existent gun battles to this movie? After viewing many dozens of 1940ʼs and 1950ʼs movies and their associated posters, my inexpert opinion is that it was to get men to agree to take their female companions to see the pictures.

Bogartʼs lady fans were more than ready to consume whatever tale he told on celluloid, no matter what the actual story. But getting the men to go along required a little extra push. You can also see this in the titles and artwork of other films of the era that use cheesecake imagery and vaguely-naughty titles that have little to do with the actual content of the films.

Itʼs for this reason that when presented with an old movie, itʼs important not to judge the film by its poster. The two may be only distantly related.

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Transportation artery

Wednesday, August 10th, 2022 Alive 18,733 days

An ad for Butcher Boy cooking oils

If you see an advertisement for cooking oil while on the subway, you might be in the Middle West.

Very wholesome.

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Boy, howdy

Saturday, July 2nd, 2022 Alive 18,694 days

A wet wipe dispenser sponsored by Energy Texas

If your electric company promotes itself with the slogan “Giddy Up!” you might be in Texas.

And if you trust something as important as electricity to a company that promotes itself with the slogan “Giddy Up!” you get what you deserve.

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Now thatʼs stuck in my head

Saturday, March 5th, 2022 Alive 18,575 days

Whereʼs Lionel says, “Hello. Is it me youʼre looking for?”

Why is Lionel Richie dressed like Whereʼs Waldo?

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Too bad CentOS is dead

Tuesday, May 25th, 2021 Alive 18,291 days

An advertisement inside Ubuntu

Just when I thought that Linux was the last operating system without built-in advertising, along comes Ubuntu.

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Good for me, not for thee

Friday, May 14th, 2021 Alive 18,280 days

Apple spamming my iPhone

iOS Apps are not allowed to use push messaging for advertising. Unless itʼs an Apple app. Then itʼs perfectly fine.

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Define “level”

Friday, May 7th, 2021 Alive 18,273 days

An advertisement for Apple Fitness+ in the iOS Settings app

In the Epic Games monopoly lawsuit, Apple claims it offers a level playing field for all developers.

Great! How do I get an ad for my app inside of Settings?

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Halmark is a spammer

Friday, April 30th, 2021 Alive 18,266 days

A screenshot of my opting out of Hallmarkʼs spam campaign, which it chose to ignore

Hallmark took my e-mail address “for [my] receipt.” I even took a screenshot just in case it lied. Which it did.

I now get spam from Hallmark at the unique e-mail address I set up for this Hallmark order.

Hallmark cannot be trusted.

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No one left to trust

Thursday, April 29th, 2021 Alive 18,265 days

Digital Ocean being a creeper

Today I learned that Digital Ocean watches your help searches and uses them for unsolicited marketing.

This is both very creepy, and a serious privacy issue.

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Why is she biting the water?

Sunday, March 28th, 2021 Alive 18,233 days

An ad for Newport cigarettes, bound into my book

Iʼm reading an old paperback dime store novel. I guess this is the 1970ʼs equivalent of a pop-up ad.

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It is the desert

Monday, January 4th, 2021 Alive 18,150 days

Annie reading the newspaper

Today I learned that Annie is in the market for a whole-home water treatment system. I guess I should clean her kitty bowls more often.

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Need $1,000,000,000,001

Monday, January 4th, 2021 Alive 18,150 days

Spam from Apple

Itʼs bad enough that Apple chooses to show ads inside the iOS Settings app, but this is the sixth time today itʼs spammed me inside the Apple Music app.

Youʼve already got a trillion dollars, Apple. Can I just use the device Iʼve already paid for, please?

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Monday, December 21st, 2020 Alive 18,136 days

I just saw an ad on TV for working at

A woman said something like, “I joined Amazon to improve kids education.” What thought process was that?

“I want to help children… I know, Iʼll work at a company that sells fake Chinese diapers!”

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Massive fail

Sunday, December 20th, 2020 Alive 18,135 days

I tried to watch mass from Saint Patrickʼs Cathedral in New York today. Itʼs on YouTube.

Google put 6½ minutes of ads at the front, plus sixteen commercial breaks inside the 50-minute mass. Thereʼs an illustration of how greedy Google and the rest of Silicon Valley is.

Next time Iʼll listen to it on the radio.

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Growth opportunity

Sunday, December 20th, 2020 Alive 18,135 days

Dear MiracleGro,

If you wonder why your ad in the New York Times didnʼt result in many sales, itʼs probably because people were put off by the three pop-ups you forced on them when they scanned your QR code.

You must not need customers.

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Itʼs still legal

Monday, November 30th, 2020 Alive 18,115 days

A cartoon cowboy saddling up in the Atari catalog

You can tell itʼs a childrenʼs game because thereʼs a cartoon.

You can tell itʼs 1978 because the cowboy has a cigarette.

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But Tim Cooks needs a third boat

Sunday, September 13th, 2020 Alive 18,037 days

iPhone spam from Apple

It is against Appleʼs App Store rules to use notifications for advertising.

Apparently, Apple has exempted itself from those rules.

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Ewe bet

Friday, August 7th, 2020 Alive 18,000 days

An ad in the Navajo Times offering sheep for lease

When Darcie was reading the Navajo newspaper, she mentioned there was a sale on new, low-mileage Rams.

This isnʼt what I expected.

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Whatʼs the number?

Tuesday, January 28th, 2020 Alive 17,808 days

An ad for women in suits who will scrub out your dog pee

If you get flyers stuck to your front door advertising a service to clean the dog pee off of the rocks and AstroTurf in your yard, you may live in the desert.

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Thursday, September 5th, 2019 Alive 17,663 days

Come to Ohio. Where happiness is wine and giant pants.

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Tuesday, September 3rd, 2019 Alive 17,661 days

A pie chart illustrating the amount of content versus commericals in the Good Eats: The Return TV show

I just slogged through an episode of Good Eats: The Return on Food Network Go.

There were 26 commercials for just two recipes!

I hope Alton Brown got a new car out of it, since I had to watch the same Enterprise Rent-a-Car commercial seven times in a row in one break.

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There are alternatives

Monday, June 17th, 2019 Alive 17,583 days

Notification spam from Adobe

Live now: Adobe sends me spam from a product that I pay for!

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Tuesday, November 6th, 2018 Alive 17,360 days

Iʼm glad the election is over. Now we can stop seeing those terrible political ads and watch the even worse lawyer ads instead.

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Monday, October 8th, 2018 Alive 17,331 days

The Navajo Nation Messenger with a note that “This page brought to you by Cowtown Feed & Livestock, Your Local Used Cow Dealer!”

Oh, good. Iʼve been wondering where I can get a fair deal on a quality, low mileage used cow.

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Monday, October 8th, 2018 Alive 17,331 days

A banner advertising “Native American Beef” at a trading post outside Canyon de Chelly

You know the drill.

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Wednesday, September 26th, 2018 Alive 17,319 days

A vintage bumper sticker on a vintage car

Saw this on my way home. So many things to say that I donʼt even know what to say.

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Saturday, August 25th, 2018 Alive 17,287 days

Darcie: Have you been using my phone?

Me: Why?

Darcie: All my ads have changed.

Me: I Googled “astronaut diapers.”

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Sunday, August 5th, 2018 Alive 17,267 days

An enticement to “Live the dream… outdoors”

I feel like society wants me to…

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Wednesday, July 4th, 2018 Alive 17,235 days

An advertisement with placeholder text

Once you’ve tried Your Text coffee, you’ll never go back to Folger’s crystals.

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Sunday, June 24th, 2018 Alive 17,225 days

An enthusiastic supporter

Anyone can slap a sticker on their bumper. The truly committed go for spray paint and stencils.

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Wednesday, May 23rd, 2018 Alive 17,193 days

A pie chart showing why I stopped watching the Discovery Channel

This is why I donʼt watch Discovery Channel anymore.

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