Blathr Wayne Lorentz

I got a new record in the mail today. Well, not a “new” record, as itʼs the Bob and Doug McKenzie Great White North album. Itʼs not actually “new to me,” either, since I had it when it came out in 1981. I donʼt know what happened to my records, but lately Iʼve been re-buying my old collection off of fleaBay, when something is available for under $5.00.

I listened to it, and itʼs very… of its time. I looked it up in Wikipedia, and was surprised to see that it was actually a big hit when it was released. Listening to Great White North both then, and now, I thought it was just an obscure novelty record. Nope. Triple-platinum in Canada, and #8 on the U.S. Billboard chart.

Hearing it with modern ears makes me think that Beavis and Butthead may not have been a complete rip-off of Bob and Doug, but it was at least 90% of the way there. Just replace gratuitous references to beer with oblique references to drugs, and both programs are a couple of blotto under-achievers sitting on a couch repeating catch-phrases and giggling to themselves. Except Bob and Doug have Geddy Lee from Rush, so they win.

I got a new computer today. Itʼs hard to believe that Iʼve been using my old computer for (math… math… math…) eleven years.

That wee machine has been with me through a dozen homes and another dozen countries, from Turkey to Japan to exotic Canada. Iʼd miss it, if the new one wasnʼt so much better.

Todayʼs coffee is Tim Hortons Maple (artificially flavored) Coffee. Why Timʼs, and why K-cups? For the same reason I buy most of my coffee — it was on sale.

A lot of coffee claims to be flavored with everything from chocolate to cinnamon to lavender. And itʼs almost always a hint of a suggestion of a note of a whisper of a nod in the general direction of a particular savor. This coffee doesnʼt play that game. It hits you square in the face with a hockey stick dunked in maple goodness. I have a jug of pure maple syrup in my refrigerator that feels inferior to this product. If you like maple flavor (And on a 116° day like today, who doesnʼt?), this is right grind for your gears. Itʼs like twisting a K-cup into a maple tree and letting the sweet, caffeinated nectar drip into your favorite Canadian Tire tumbler. While wearing flannel. And listening to Rush.

Does it taste like real Tim Hortons coffee from a real Tim Hortons shop? I donʼt know. Itʼs been so long since Iʼve slurped black and dunked Timbits in the Great White North that Iʼve forgotten what itʼs supposed to be like. But Iʼm going to declare it “close enough” because I like my coffee the way I like my women: Syrupy and Canadian.

Whatʼs more annoying than someone who writes a check in the express lane? How about a couple of snowbirds who trim the wilted leaves off of their produce right there in the checkout line?

“We donʼt have all these leaves on our vegetables in Canada!”

And for those of you who have never shopped in a Las Vegas supermarket, yes thatʼs a baby casino in the background.

The best thing about internet video is that it finally stopped Canadians from pronouncing “DOS” the way Spanish people pronounce “two.”