Blathr Wayne Lorentz

When I purchased Kate Nashʼs album Made of Bricks from iTunes, it helpfully sanitized the filename of the song Dickhead so that my computer wouldnʼt be offended.

Then, sometime later, Appleʼs Music program — the successor to iTunes — upgraded the quality of the song, and at the same time kept the filename “Dickhead.” Iʼm sure my computer is clutching its digital pearls.

“Budget Waste?” I didnʼt even know the legislature was in town this week.

I have coined a new idiom:

That dude is high from sniffing his own diapers!

I havenʼt decided what it means yet, but on the surface is sounds both clever and marginally offensive. Iʼll have to come up with a way to work it into polite conversation.

It's called a “tech stack” because of how easily it falls over.

I got a new Atari cartridge today. Itʼs the Sears version of Warlords.

Iʼve never played this game, and have no connection to it. But I bought it for three reasons.

1. I think Iʼm going to try to collect as many of the Sears text versions of Atari carts as I can.
2. Itʼs the only Sears cart that has a full Atari trademark notice on the end label. No one on the internet seems to know why.
3. The top label has a misspelling. The third game is listed as “Lightening Ball.” My guess is that this is supposed to read “Lightning Ball.” According to my computer, lightening means

   A drop in the level of the uterus during the last weeks of pregnancy as the head of the fetus engages in the pelvis.

That doesnʼt sound like a very fun video game.

At Wal-Mart, pipe cleaners are now called “fuzzy sticks.” Iʼm not sure what to blame for this change in terminology. Perhaps:

• Kids don't do arts and crafts anymore, so they have no use for pipe cleaners?
• Pipes are associated with tobacco, so we can't let children know they exist?
• There are enough people in the world who have never seen a pipe that they wouldn't know how to clean one?

I guess all of the new people don't know about Sherlock Holmes.

It seems that my choices are to:

• Add a credit or debit card
• Add a credit or debit card
• Add a personal checking account
• or add a personal checking account

Maybe Iʼll enter my personal financial information later, when Amazon.comʼs system is a little more stable.

The most annoying thing about the 1970ʼs: People who would call Atari cartridges “tapes.”

Today I learned that yellow fever used to be called “American plague,” and syphilis was called “French pox.”

Which is not in any way racist, though “China virus” totally is.

“China flu” — Racist

“U.K. variant” — Somehow not racist

I think the reason that many people on the internet incorrectly put punctuation outside of closing quotation marks is because they donʼt read books.

If you read, youʼre used to seeing it done correctly, and are familiar with it.

This is correct: “Word.”

This is not correct: “Word”.

Donʼt believe me? Open any book.

Today I learned that not only does my HomePod run Apple TVOS, its firmware has a “Bogus Field Not Actually Ever Used,” and a “Bogus Measure Not Actually Ever Used.”

The use of “bogus” confirms the “Designed in California” label.

Fill a bunch of goblets with wine, and youʼre gonna have a good night.

Fill a bunch of goblins with wine, and youʼre gonna have a bad night.

I think itʼs very telling that our society calls immediate video delivery “on demand.” Back when VOD started in the 80ʼs, we called it “on request.” Now itʼs no longer a request, itʼs a demand.

Our society has not improved over time.

Someone doing a survey phoned me today. She asked for my opinion about COVID.

I told her Iʼm against it.

Maybe people wouldnʼt think the world is flat, if journalists went back to saying “around the world” instead of “across the world.”

Today for no reason in particular I was listening to a 1950’s beatnik poetry record. It turns out that “baller” isn’t new slang invented by the hip-hop crowd. Itʼs at least ¾ of a century old.

I guess itʼs just like “fly” goes back to Victorian times. Nothing is new.

I’ve read that pretty much 50% of the idioms in the English language is owed to Shakespeare and the Bible.

Todayʼs coffee is Essence of Santa Fe, from Pinon Coffee.

It supposed to have “subtle hints of creamy caramel and vanilla [to] transport you to the heart of New Mexico.” When I think about coffee in Santa Fe, I think about the seven-foot-tall barista who wrote “Stupid effinʼ latte“ on my cup at breakfast one morning.

The caramel and vanilla are subtle. Almost barely detectable. I tried it both hot-ways and cold-ways, and hot was best. But that may be because I like my coffee the way I like my women: warm and full-bodied. Itʼs good stuff, but I will buy it again if other varieties are sold out.

How bad is political correctness in Britain? A Wikipedia entry mentioning pirate broadcasters calls them “undocumented radio stations.”

Up next: Burglars are “undocumented homeowners.”

The best thing about internet video is that it finally stopped Canadians from pronouncing “DOS” the way Spanish people pronounce “two.”

There should be a word for when youʼre taking a leak, and the cat walks between you and the toilet with his tail raised high, and you end up peeing on your own cat.

I mean other than “Eeeeew.”

If you see yard care trucks with the phrase “We speak English” on them, you might live in Nevada.

There are only two occasions in life when you get to use the word "bevy." Quails and bathing beauties.

Guess which one ran in front of my car today.

Since I live in Las Vegas, the answer may not be as easy as it seems.

Thatʼs strange. I didnʼt even know Bumoto was running this year. Heʼs not on my ballot.

The nice lady at the maid café wrote “ウイーナ♡” on the cheki we took of ourselves.

According to Google Translate, that's Japanese for “Weena.” I guess that means one of the following:

1. She thinks Iʼm a winner.
2. She thinks Iʼm a wiener.
3. Google Translate is bad at translation.